Your parent or loved one may be nearing the end of life. And the thought of talking about comfort measures and memorial services can leave you speechless. What do you say? Where do you begin?
You are not alone.
In 25 years working with families whose parents are very ill, I’ve seen anxiety surface time and time again. Many adult children are scared stiff when contemplating a talk with their parent who may have little time left on earth. Will Schwalbe, author of The End of Your Life Book Club wrestled with this dilemma. His mother was struggling with pancreatic cancer. As they sat in doctors’ waiting rooms together, they talked about books they were reading. One was by social worker and psychotherapist Susan Halpern, author of The Etiquette of Illness. Schwalbe said about Halpern’s book, “It’s really about what to do when you feel scared that doing something, if it turns out to be the wrong thing, might be worse than doing nothing at all.”
In the beginning of the second paragraph above, two phrases may have jumped out: You are not alone and many adult children are scared stiff. Both are realties. Think of the many times in Scripture when God says, “Fear not” in response to the cries of God’s vulnerable children. Those words are still true today. Our parents are vulnerable, and so are we. This is hard stuff! But God promises to be with us always, and that is good news.
When talking to your parent
Here are thoughts from Halpern’s book on talking with your parent or loved one. The talk or talks are especially helpful when done earlier rather than later.
1. Notice the difference between “How are you feeling?” and “Do you want to talk about how you are feeling?” The first approach can sound intrusive and demanding, the second is gentler. Your parent may not want to talk about how they are feeling. Perhaps they’re having a good day and don’t want to be the “sick person.” Perhaps it’s a bad day and they want to be distracted.
2. Don’t ask your parent if there’s anything you can do. They may not want to burden you. Instead, suggest things, or if it’s not intrusive, just do them.
3. You don’t have to talk all the time. Sometimes just being there is enough. You might touch their shoulder or hold their hand. Or read Scripture and pray. If your parent has dementia, nonverbal expressions of love are often especially effective.
Listen to your parent’s wishes
Another great resource for preparing for the end of life is Five Wishes. Jim Towey wrote this booklet after working with Mother Teresa for 12 years. Five Wishes aims to help people plan for the time when they might become seriously ill.
Five Wishes has been recognized by at least 42 states as an advanced medical directive. Some have called the booklet, “A living will with a heart” because it deals with spiritual and ethical issues in addition to medical issues. Easy to use and stripped of medical and legal jargon, it has check boxes and blanks to fill in. You can discuss it together with your parent, tackling the wishes in any order.
The book includes:
1: My wish is to name the person I want to make care decisions for me when I can’t.
2. My wish is for the kind of medical treatment I want or don’t want.
3: My wish is for how comfortable I want to be.
4: My wish is for how I want people to treat me.
5: My wish is for what I want my loved ones to know.
As you go through this process, God will tell you when to speak and when to be silent. God knows your heart, and He will show you what your parent needs.
Alice Kalso loves to write about God’s work in people’s lives. An award-winning writer, she has published 200 articles. Her blog, A Boomer’s Guide to Eldercare, is based on 25 years helping families with issues relating to their aging parents. Alice’s first book, Elder Care SOS: Facing Hard Choices With Hope, will be released later this year.
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